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When Your Child Seems Unmotivated

by | Jan 5, 2026 | Parenting, Self-Compassion | 0 comments

A reframe that can help parents support kids 

Hello friends,

The other day I heard myself telling my 13-year-old that she “lacked motivation” to do something productive over break. And actually, this conversation didn’t begin over break. Uh-oh, I thought to myself, This is not the voice I want my daughter to internalize.

I don’t want my 13-year-old to develop an inner narrative that she is lazy or unmotivated; I want her to have a positive inner voice. And when she is feeling unmotivated, I want her to be curious about how to help herself move forward rather than defining herself as an unmotivated person. And truthfully, she IS super motivated to play Minecraft, so it’s not that she lacks motivation to do anything…

Our conversation led to a playful exploration about the many types of motivation (we currently have discovered at least seven). Below you’ll see the beginning of our exploration.

Type A-1 Motivation: You want to do the right thing

Type A-1 motivation is when you are highly motivated to do things that are good for you (like eating healthy foods, exercising, working on goals, and meditating). I envy people that actually enjoy cooking healthy foods. I am not one of them. There are a few healthy habits (like my breathing practices) that I have done regularly enough that I happily engage in, but honestly, my daughters and I are not full of type A-1 motivation when it comes to making good choices. Luckily, feeling highly motivated to do the right thing is not the only type of motivation!

Type A-3 Motivation: You can creatively get yourself to engage in the healthy thing

Type A-3 motivation is where you can get yourself to do something good for yourself by doing a little mental or logistical gymnastics. (Yes, we skipped A-2, which is in between A-1 and A-3.) For example, I know that it’s good for me to lift weights during perimenopause, but I do NOT enjoy the thought of lifting weights. To compensate for my lack of A-1 motivation, I have built lifting weights into my weekly schedule. On certain days, I’m not allowed to come home from work until after I’ve stopped at the gym to lift. Often I sit in the gym parking lot for 15 minutes scrolling on my phone (do I really have to lift weights?). But the boundary is firm, so eventually I walk inside the gym and lift. And I actually kind of enjoy it once I get started.

As a parent, sharing with my kids about how I creatively get myself to engage in healthy behaviors when I don’t have strong internal motivation is very useful for my kids. 1) It helps them realize that adults struggle with motivation, too. And 2) It helps us get curious together about how to help ourselves do the right thing when our intrinsic motivation isn’t super strong yet.

Type W Motivation: You want to want to do it

The other day, the garbage in the kitchen and the bathroom was very full. I wanted to want to take the garbage out, but I just wasn’t ready yet. This is type W motivation: You want to want to do the task, but there is a resistance to taking action.

Sometimes, like in the case of the garbage, it just takes a little more time. If you wait patiently, the pain of not taking out the garbage will become greater than the resistance. This is a simple type of resistance.

If the resistance persists, and you get stuck in type W motivation for an extended period of time, you can either increase the desire to take action by focusing on the benefits of your goals, the consequences of inaction, or enlisting social support (more on what can help tip us into action coming soon), or you can get curious about what’s fueling your resistance.

If you’d like to continue this conversation, I explore what can complicate resistance, including how fear and avoidance can quietly block motivation, in this related reflection. But for now, it’s important to know that wanting to want to do something is a very good place to be in. And also that DISCUSSING being in this place with your kids can help them to identify and get curious about the things that they want to want to do, too.

A supportive resource for you

If you’re reading this article, I’m guessing you want to help children grow self-compassion. Maybe you’re ready to take action. Or maybe you want to want to make self-compassion practice a regular habit, but you’re encountering a bit of resistance. Or maybe reading and reflecting on my weekly newsletter is just the right amount for now. All of those make sense.

If you’re ready (or almost ready) to take the next step in helping kids grow self-compassion, I’m offering my Raising Resilient Kids: Mini-Course for Managing Big Feelings as a free resource currently available. It’s designed to support kids (and caregivers) in noticing emotions, building resilience habits, and finding playful ways to move through big feelings together.

A parent and child workbook supporting kids with big feelings and motivation.

You can take what’s helpful. Even one small practice can help. Learn more about the mini-course here.

Wherever you are on this journey, we are in it together. Please remember to keep your own internal narrative kind. You are here, reflecting on how to support kids and yourself, and that is great!

I’ll explore more about motivational types in upcoming blogs (we’ve discovered at least 4 more types). In the meantime, feel free to share your own ideas and also get curious about how you can apply motivation types to any goals or intentions that you might be holding.

Wishing you joy, love, and creative motivation,

Jamie Lynn 

Speaking with Your Heart

by | Dec 20, 2025 | Resilience, Self-Compassion | 0 comments

When you don’t know what to say

Hello friends,

A couple of weeks ago my husband lost his mom, and at first I wasn’t sure how to show up for him. You see, my husband has the chameleon feelings habit, which means he doesn’t like to talk about feelings. Most days, I know what to say to him when things go wrong. He’s coached me over the years to just listen and say things like, “Hmmm…” or “Interesting.” He appreciates this attentive yet casual response more than a direct expression of compassion.

But when his mom passed away, I initially felt anxious about what to say. I didn’t want to overwhelm him with compassion, but a casual response felt inappropriate. Then I remembered a children’s play I had created with a group of kids called Snuggles Stayed Close.

The play, featured in Volume 2 of the Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Workbook for Kids, follows Flame the dragon’s journey when things fall apart. Flame is upset, and all of Flame’s well-meaning friends try to help, but none of the suggestions feel helpful. Then Snuggles the bunny comes close and stays present while Flame slowly moves through feelings and tries helpful habits in their own time.

Thinking of Snuggles’ loving presence helped me remember that I didn’t need to say anything to my husband; I just needed to be present and let him take the lead on what and when he wanted to share. Over and over I reminded myself, “just be like the bunny.”

What this means for us as parents and caregivers

How often do we try to use just the right words or just the right strategy with our kids? In the play, the feelings animals encouraged Flame to feel feelings, and the resilience animals suggested helpful habits, but it was co-regulation with Snuggles that provided the safety for Flame to open to feelings and helpful ideas.

I dedicate my life to teaching kids self-compassion and resilience habits, and it’s humbling to remember that their effectiveness hinges on adults showing up and simply being present. Our connection makes it possible for kids to open to challenging feelings and learn to respond in helpful ways over time.

And what can help us to be present for kids? Self-compassion. Ultimately, the invitation is for us to be like Snuggles for ourselves. We can show up for ourselves with tender self-compassion, sensing what we need over time. There are many ways to grow self-compassion, including taking a Mindful Self-Compassion Course for Caregivers or a Parent-Child Mindfulness and Self-Compassion class.

For further reflection…

I offer a few helpful questions to explore on my Staying Close through Big Feelings page, which features the children’s play Snuggles Stayed Close. You might also enjoy my interview with Cori Doerrfeld, whose book The Rabbit Listened sparked the idea for my play featuring Flame.

As our world can feel a bit topsy-turvy, I hope that you can show up with presence for yourself and create space for all of your feelings. And from this place of love and fullness, I hope you can lovingly show up for the children in your lives.

Wishing you presence and self-compassion,

Jamie Lynn

The Waiting Room

by | Dec 10, 2025 | Parenting, Resilience, Self-Compassion | 0 comments

Habits that help when we’re worried

Hello friends,

The other day my daughter, Maya, and I were waiting nervously in the waiting room of the oral surgeon’s office. We were frazzled from arriving late (more on that later), and Maya was fretting about the anesthesia that would be administered for her imminent wisdom tooth extraction.

We named our feelings, and discussed how our bodies felt full of stress. With nothing to do but wait, I decided to do a movement practice called Seven Shakes and invited Maya to join in. After wearily looking around the waiting room to ensure no one was watching, she joined in the short movement practice. We alternated shaking our arms and legs 7 times, then 6 times, then 5, 4, 3, 2 and 1 to release the stress in our bodies. (You can try the Mindful Seven Shakes practice here.) After the movement, the tension in our bodies was greatly diminished, and I invited Maya to join me in a game of I Spy. Although initially reluctant, she joined the game, which kept our minds in the present moment as we continued to wait for the nurse to call us back for her surgery.

Behind the scenes

There were a few important moments that occurred before this little scene in the waiting room. First, there was some yelling in the car because…well…I had entered the wrong address in my GPS, and also I had not left as early as my daughter had wanted us to leave. I share this to let you know that I am not a perfect parent, nor do we always cope skillfully with our challenging moments.

But on the positive front, my daughters have had years of practice and exposure to me modeling helpful habits. My girls have completed my workbooks for kids and taken parent-child mindfulness and self-compassion classes with me. They have done mindful seven shakes with me many times, and they’ve watched me shake out stress or anger in the kitchen when I’m about to blow. They also have played mindful seeing games like I Spy with me over the years, so the practice has positive associations. I share this because it’s important to introduce helpful tools to kids repeatedly in low stress environments before we invite them to practice these skills during stressful moments.

I also have a lovely set of resilience animal habits in my mind that I reference when things go wrong. Here’s a peek inside the toolkit that I use with kids when they are worried or stressed.

A worry toolkit for kids (and us grown-ups!)

In the second adventure of the Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Workbook for Kids, Volume 2, we playfully explore a few truths about worry:

1) Worry is natural. Our brain’s negativity bias has primed us to worry. And if you have the Beaver feelings habit, you’ll be especially prone to worry!

2) It’s helpful to differentiate worries that can and should be addressed with proactive action from worries about things we cannot control. If we can do something to positively address our worries, this is a part of practicing courageous self-compassion.

3) Resilience Animal habits can help with worries!

In my initial draft of workbook 2, kids were asked to name a worry and then consider which resilience animal habits could help them. But this felt too intense for a lot of kids. So we changed the activity so that kids could consider which resilience animals could help Flame the dragon with his worries. See the page below with a fun activity for kids reviewing each of the five resilience habits:

Workbook for Kids Volume 2, Resilience Habits for Worry Acvitivy.

Considering how Flame can use resilience habits for worries provides a bridge for kids to later consider which habits might work for them.

I used all of the resilience animal habits with Maya during the days leading up to the wisdom tooth extraction. When she was nervous, I validated her anxiety and reminded her that other kids go through the same thing (the “Buddy” habit). I also assured her that she was going to be okay and that we’d support her (the “Snuggles” habit). In the waiting room of the office, we practiced “Spots’” mindfulness habit as well as “Doodles’” action-oriented movement practice. Alongside her worry, my daughter was aware of goodness (Sunny), including our family’s ability to pay a skilled oral surgeon to extract her wisdom teeth.

These habits did not erase Maya’s fear, but they did help her feel more supported, grounded, and connected. That’s what resilience habits can do for us. As mentioned at the bottom of the above workbook page, resilience habits “won’t make your fear magically go away, but they can definitely help!” This is so true friends.

Which of the resilience animal habits do you find most helpful when your mind begins to worry? Please know that you’re not alone, and that there are habits that can help both you and your kids.

Wishing you compassion and resilience,

Jamie Lynn

P.S. Happily, Maya’s wisdom tooth extraction went well. She is starting to eat foods with more texture, and today is the first day that she’ll be able to use her water bottle straw again 🙂

Complicated Gratitude

by | Nov 25, 2025 | Parts of Ourselves, Self-Compassion | 0 comments

When gratitude and unhappiness collide

Hello Friends,

As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, I have been reflecting on gratitude. Gratitude is essential… and yet it can be complicated. Sometimes it almost feels wrong to be grateful in a world that has so much suffering.

Recently, I started a part time job teaching English to multilingual learners at an elementary school. I am grateful to have the job, but it’s not quite what I was hoping for. So I am simultaneously feeling unhappy and grateful. And truthfully, letting myself vent about the unhappy parts has felt deeply therapeutic. If I were to try to force myself to be only grateful, it would be unhealthy. I need to allow the slow arc of unhappiness to move through me, so it can eventually transform into acceptance and maybe even quiet joy.

This experience made me think of a blog that I wrote almost a decade ago. I’m sharing an excerpt from it here.

 

Toxic Gratitude

Toxic Gratitude

(The above poster was made by my daughter for the original 2016 blog.)

Recently, I have seen a few profiles on dating sites for men who are looking for a woman that is only positive—no negativity allowed. Are they joking? Are they looking for a human or a dog?

I have become weary the last few years of any program for joy, happiness or positivity that excludes negative emotions. Yes, negativity with no gratitude can be unhealthy, but it is not a life affirming action to banish grumbling, negativity and complaining and try to replace them with positive and happy emotions. It is like trying to create a day that has no night, or a baby that never cries. At its best it is unsustainable. And at its worst it is toxic. Gratitude that cannot hold the difficult emotions and moments of life is what I call toxic gratitude.

Toxic gratitude is like candy. It is sweet. It looks sweet to others, too. But too much of it will make us sick. We need Brussel sprouts and spinach and apples, too. No, leafy vegetables are not as aesthetically pleasing. They do not have shiny wrappers, and they are vulnerable to bugs and worms. But they are a healthy, vital part of being human. If we try to hide our dark thoughts and emotions behind shiny wrappers, we will end up damaged indeed.

Candy

In this hilarious clip, Selma Baraz shares a story about a practice that her son James taught her at age 90. Selma, a Jewish mother of three, was very adept at “kvetching” (complaining or chronic grumbling). She complained about just about everything all the time. The little “mantra” that her son James taught her was to add the phrase, “And my life is truly very blessed” to the end of each complaint. That is it. It is that simple. And it changed (or “ruined”) her life—it made her happy.

I have adopted this technique myself, and it is one of my favorites. It is especially fabulous one week out of every month when my brain turns into a litany of complaints. The worst thing I can do for my happiness when my brain has turned dark is to tell myself that I shouldn’t be feeling this way. The most life affirming thing I can do is to add, “and my life is truly very blessed” to each complaint. Not to negate the complaint—I can hold the space for a complaint. But I add the phrase to affirm the truth: my life is truly very blessed.

Almost a decade later, I have internalized this practice. When I feel unhappy (as I sometimes do), I remember that my life is full of blessings. Just as the sun is still there even when it’s behind a cloud, so too are the gifts in my life even when unhappiness obscures them.

As we approach this holiday of Thanksgiving, my wish for you is that you can embrace the whole of your experience. If you need to grumble or grieve, please open your heart to hold these emotions with compassion. And also sense life’s invitation to open to abundance, beauty and joy.

May you rest in the light of true gratitude,

Jamie Lynn

P.S. If you’re new to my newsletter, welcome. Most weeks I share playful, research-based practices for helping kids (and the grown-ups who love them) grow mindfulness and self-compassion. Today we explored the nuances of gratitude, and I’m glad you’re here.

P.P.S. Stay tuned next week for something more playful… you’ll have a chance to vote on the cover of Volume 2 of my workbook for kids. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.😊

We Felt More Connected: A Sweet Surprise from a Parent-Child Mindfulness Class

by | Nov 18, 2025 | Parenting | 0 comments

Hello friends,

I just finished taking the six-week, self-paced Parent-Child Mindfulness and Self-Compassion class with my neighbor, Dee, and it feels both sweet and tender.

I invited my nine-year-old neighbor to take the class with me for 2 reasons:

  1. She struggles with anxiety.
  2. I was curious how it would be to take the parent-child class asynchronously with a child.

And six weeks later, the answer is clear: Both Dee and I really enjoyed taking the course together. In fact, I really liked taking the course using pre-recorded videos for a few reasons:

  • It was relaxing for me to take the class because the videos did the teaching. So I just got to relax and be a co-learner with Dee.
  • When we shared ups and downs with each other or checked in with each other about class content, we could pause the video for just the right amount of time for our sharing.
  • I was able to set up a space in my office for Dee and I to take the class at a relaxing time on the weekend that worked for our schedules.
Parent and child practicing mindfulness together with coloring and snacks during a self-paced class.
Parent and child practicing mindfulness together with coloring and snacks during a self-paced class

Dee enjoyed coloring a mandala during our sessions together and having a little snack midway through each class. I also kept my Super Snuggles on hand so that I could comfort Dee with my little animal if she shared something hard.

What delighted and surprised me most was how much closer we felt over time. During session four, Dee and I did a kind wishes practice, and we were instructed to choose a person or animal that we cared about for the exercise. In my mind, I chose Dee, and when I asked Dee who she had chosen to imagine, she said me. It was truly a moment of connection!

If you’d like to try the Kind Wishes practice that created that moment of connection for us, you can find a short, child-friendly version on my meditations page. It’s something you can do in just a few minutes, together or on your own.

It is common for parents and kids to share that they feel more connected after taking my parent-child class. In our research, families often describe a deepening sense of closeness through shared practice.

Here are few reflections from Dee and me about the class:

Quotes from Dee: “I just liked it… It gave me compassion [for myself]. Now I do cookie breathing and playful stretching.”

“It made me realize how powerful this class is for helping grown-ups and kids grow closer together.” -Jamie Lynn Tatera

If you’d like to explore mindfulness and self-compassion with a child in your life, the Parent-Child Mindfulness and Self-Compassion class is available in a self-paced format. Families can move through the practices together at their own rhythm, pausing, coloring, and sharing in ways that fit real life…just like Dee and I did.

And if you’re an educator, therapist, or caregiver who feels called to share these playful, research-based practices with more kids, my teacher training offers a deeper pathway into this work.

Together we can help mindfulness and self-compassion reach every child, one playful moment at a time.

Wishing you and the children in your life the gifts of mindfulness and self-compassion.

Warmly,

Jamie Lynn

P.S. A group of kids (including my two daughters) helped create a short play called Snuggles Stayed Close. This photo was taken during rehearsals, when the kids decided part of the play needed to happen up in a tree.

A play: "Snuggles stayed close".