There is a simple self-compassion exercise by Dr. Kristin Neff that can produce profound insights for adults and kids alike. It’s called “How Would You Treat a Friend?” Let’s try it now. 

Think about something you have been beating yourself up about lately. Maybe you’re falling behind in something. Maybe you had a parenting mishap. Now think about what you would say to a friend if the same thing happened to them.

You can pause and imagine this now.

Often, people find that they give their friends far more grace than they give themselves. I remind my friends that it’s okay to be imperfect, and that they’re still a good person. The invitation of this exercise is to say the words that you’d say to a friend to yourself. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve personally used this exercise to take a U-turn when I was being hard on myself.

Here are a couple of pages from the Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Workbook for Kids, Volume 1, where I guide kids through this exercise in the Land of Friendship.

After adversity, kids are often met with either self-criticism or self-compassion (and it’s frequently self-criticism). The voice that meets them in hard moments makes all the difference. This time Anjali was met with the voice of self-compassion.

Something we talk about a lot in our family, and that I teach in my work with kids, is that we all have strengths and struggles. This is part of being human. When we forget this truth, perfectionism and the inner critic can surface. When we remember this truth, we can love ourselves and keep trying.

The comic below is from Volume 2 of the Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Workbook for Kids, in the land of self-acceptance.

One thing I’ve learned from doing this exercise with kids is that concrete scenarios matter. Not every scenario lands, which is why the workbook moves through several rather than stopping at one. And sometimes kids aren’t sure what they would say to a friend. That’s okay too. Kids can grow kindness toward themselves and kindness toward others side by side. 

Recently, I was working with a boy who tends to get hard on himself when he makes mistakes. We had just done the How Would You Treat a Friend exercise together, and then had moved on to considering what he would say to a friend who was worried about doing poorly on a test. The boy thought about it, and then said quietly, “It is okay to do mistakes.”

Later that day, when he got frustrated with himself for making an error, I reminded him of his own words. It landed differently than anything I could have said because he was hearing his words. That’s the power of this exercise.

It can also be helpful to have kids consider the words they’d like to hear when things go wrong. Here is a playful exercise with Super Snuggles, the resilience habit animal who helps kids develop a kind inner voice..

Self-compassion doesn’t always come easily. A handful of years ago, I recorded my daughter Anjali and me doing the How Would You Treat a Friend exercise together. You’ll hear some resistance from her in the video when I ask her to say kind words to herself. We can normalize that it takes time to get used to a kind inner voice.

You can also try this with your kids in real time. When you hear them being hard on themselves, you can casually ask, ‘What would you say to a friend who did that?’ You don’t have to announce it as an exercise. I sometimes do this with my teenagers when I hear them struggling with inner criticism or self-doubt.

And the next time you’re having a difficult time, you can try it with yourself too. Ask yourself what you would say to a friend. Then try saying those words to yourself.

Wishing you the kindness you would offer a friend,

Jamie Lynn

P.S. If you’d like regular reminders about how to help kids and you grow self-compassion, you can join my newsletter community here.

Hello friends,

The other night I was driving out of town to pick up my daughter, and I was feeling upset. Events outside of my control were weighing heavily on my mind, so I turned on soothing music. But I knew I really needed to give myself compassion.

I opened my guided meditations page, and I decided to listen to the “Three for Me” self-compassion break for kids that I had recorded with my daughter a few years ago. It was just what I needed. Listening to her little voice reminded me to notice how my body felt and to soothe myself. I highly recommend listening to the self-compassion break for kids included in this blog. I’ll briefly describe the practice below, originally developed by Kristin Neff, and how I’ve adapted it for kids using hand gestures. I’ll also share a kid-friendly visual from volume 2 of my workbook where Flame the dragon practices the three steps of self-compassion.

A self-compassion break helps us hold our suffering with kindness and connection. It has three parts, so when I teach it to kids, I call it “Three for Me.” Each part has a hand gesture that helps kids connect with the practice.

The hand gesture for this is putting your hands on your head. You could say to yourself, “This is hard,” or “I’m really struggling with this.” Sometimes kids just like to say, “Ugh!” (There are more variations for kids in the guided audio practice.)

We remind ourselves that we are having a human experience, and others might feel like us. The hand gesture for this is extending your arms out in front of you with your palms up. Some kids like to say, “I’m not alone.” Other kids like to say “It’s okay to feel like this.” (Permission to be human.)

You can give yourself a hug or put your hands on your heart, or do another soothing gesture. You could also say comforting words, like “I’m here for you,” or “I care about you.” Kids often like to remind themselves that it’s going to be okay, or that they can do hard things.

In the Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Workbook for Kids, Volume 2, I have kids circle the words that they would like to use for each part of the self-compassion break. (This helps kids consider what would be helpful.)

In my workbook for kids, I have kids watch Flame the dragon practice the three parts of self-compassion for Flame’s big struggle–not being able to fly. You can see Flame try out the self-compassion break with the hand gestures in the illustration below.

Kids often connect Sunny’s reminder at the end of the page: “Remember, you are always good inside.” When things go wrong, sometimes these are the words that kids need to hear.

After listening to the self-compassion break in my car, I felt more grounded. I was still upset, but I felt loved and held. You can listen to the guided practice below whenever you need, or download it to your device.

https://jamielynntatera.com/self-compassion-break-for-kids/​

The link also has a video of my daughter Anjali and me doing the self-compassion break together. If you’re introducing the practice to a child, you might want to start with the visual of Flame the dragon or ask if they’d like to watch the video of Anjali and me. For kids, it often works best for them to watch someone else do the practice first, and then try it when they are ready. Many parents and kids share that doing the hand gestures during a moment of struggle helps them remember the three parts of self-compassion.

If you’re having a hard time with some of the stuff going on in the world, please know that you are not alone. You are here, showing up with love and doing the best you can to help kids do the same. This matters. Your presence matters, and I’m glad that you are here.

Wishing you love, compassion, and self-compassion,

Jamie Lynn

Related resources:

• Guided Self-Compassion Break for Kids: A short audio and video practice you can use with kids when things feel hard.
• Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Workbook for Kids, Volume 2: A playful, research-based workbook that helps kids practice self-compassion in moments of worry, self-doubt, perfectionism, and shame.