Habits that help when we’re worried

Hello friends,

The other day my daughter, Maya, and I were waiting nervously in the waiting room of the oral surgeon’s office. We were frazzled from arriving late (more on that later), and Maya was fretting about the anesthesia that would be administered for her imminent wisdom tooth extraction.

We named our feelings, and discussed how our bodies felt full of stress. With nothing to do but wait, I decided to do a movement practice called Seven Shakes and invited Maya to join in. After wearily looking around the waiting room to ensure no one was watching, she joined in the short movement practice. We alternated shaking our arms and legs 7 times, then 6 times, then 5, 4, 3, 2 and 1 to release the stress in our bodies. (You can try the Mindful Seven Shakes practice here.) After the movement, the tension in our bodies was greatly diminished, and I invited Maya to join me in a game of I Spy. Although initially reluctant, she joined the game, which kept our minds in the present moment as we continued to wait for the nurse to call us back for her surgery.

Behind the scenes

There were a few important moments that occurred before this little scene in the waiting room. First, there was some yelling in the car because…well…I had entered the wrong address in my GPS, and also I had not left as early as my daughter had wanted us to leave. I share this to let you know that I am not a perfect parent, nor do we always cope skillfully with our challenging moments.

But on the positive front, my daughters have had years of practice and exposure to me modeling helpful habits. My girls have completed my workbooks for kids and taken parent-child mindfulness and self-compassion classes with me. They have done mindful seven shakes with me many times, and they’ve watched me shake out stress or anger in the kitchen when I’m about to blow. They also have played mindful seeing games like I Spy with me over the years, so the practice has positive associations. I share this because it’s important to introduce helpful tools to kids repeatedly in low stress environments before we invite them to practice these skills during stressful moments.

I also have a lovely set of resilience animal habits in my mind that I reference when things go wrong. Here’s a peek inside the toolkit that I use with kids when they are worried or stressed.

A worry toolkit for kids (and us grown-ups!)

In the second adventure of the Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Workbook for Kids, Volume 2, we playfully explore a few truths about worry:

1) Worry is natural. Our brain’s negativity bias has primed us to worry. And if you have the Beaver feelings habit, you’ll be especially prone to worry!

2) It’s helpful to differentiate worries that can and should be addressed with proactive action from worries about things we cannot control. If we can do something to positively address our worries, this is a part of practicing courageous self-compassion.

3) Resilience Animal habits can help with worries!

In my initial draft of workbook 2, kids were asked to name a worry and then consider which resilience animal habits could help them. But this felt too intense for a lot of kids. So we changed the activity so that kids could consider which resilience animals could help Flame the dragon with his worries. See the page below with a fun activity for kids reviewing each of the five resilience habits:

Considering how Flame can use resilience habits for worries provides a bridge for kids to later consider which habits might work for them.

I used all of the resilience animal habits with Maya during the days leading up to the wisdom tooth extraction. When she was nervous, I validated her anxiety and reminded her that other kids go through the same thing (the “Buddy” habit). I also assured her that she was going to be okay and that we’d support her (the “Snuggles” habit). In the waiting room of the office, we practiced “Spots’” mindfulness habit as well as “Doodles’” action-oriented movement practice. Alongside her worry, my daughter was aware of goodness (Sunny), including our family’s ability to pay a skilled oral surgeon to extract her wisdom teeth.

These habits did not erase Maya’s fear, but they did help her feel more supported, grounded, and connected. That’s what resilience habits can do for us. As mentioned at the bottom of the above workbook page, resilience habits “won’t make your fear magically go away, but they can definitely help!” This is so true friends.

Which of the resilience animal habits do you find most helpful when your mind begins to worry? Please know that you’re not alone, and that there are habits that can help both you and your kids.

Wishing you compassion and resilience,

Jamie Lynn

P.S. Happily, Maya’s wisdom tooth extraction went well. She is starting to eat foods with more texture, and today is the first day that she’ll be able to use her water bottle straw again 🙂