When you don’t know what to say
Hello friends,
A couple of weeks ago my husband lost his mom, and at first I wasn’t sure how to show up for him. You see, my husband has the chameleon feelings habit, which means he doesn’t like to talk about feelings. Most days, I know what to say to him when things go wrong. He’s coached me over the years to just listen and say things like, “Hmmm…” or “Interesting.” He appreciates this attentive yet casual response more than a direct expression of compassion.
But when his mom passed away, I initially felt anxious about what to say. I didn’t want to overwhelm him with compassion, but a casual response felt inappropriate. Then I remembered a children’s play I had created with a group of kids called Snuggles Stayed Close.
The play, featured in Volume 2 of the Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Workbook for Kids, follows Flame the dragon’s journey when things fall apart. Flame is upset, and all of Flame’s well-meaning friends try to help, but none of the suggestions feel helpful. Then Snuggles the bunny comes close and stays present while Flame slowly moves through feelings and tries helpful habits in their own time.
Thinking of Snuggles’ loving presence helped me remember that I didn’t need to say anything to my husband; I just needed to be present and let him take the lead on what and when he wanted to share. Over and over I reminded myself, “just be like the bunny.”
What this means for us as parents and caregivers
How often do we try to use just the right words or just the right strategy with our kids? In the play, the feelings animals encouraged Flame to feel feelings, and the resilience animals suggested helpful habits, but it was co-regulation with Snuggles that provided the safety for Flame to open to feelings and helpful ideas.
I dedicate my life to teaching kids self-compassion and resilience habits, and it’s humbling to remember that their effectiveness hinges on adults showing up and simply being present. Our connection makes it possible for kids to open to challenging feelings and learn to respond in helpful ways over time.
And what can help us to be present for kids? Self-compassion. Ultimately, the invitation is for us to be like Snuggles for ourselves. We can show up for ourselves with tender self-compassion, sensing what we need over time. There are many ways to grow self-compassion, including taking a Mindful Self-Compassion Course for Caregivers or a Parent-Child Mindfulness and Self-Compassion class (my next parent-child class starts in January).
For further reflection…
I offer a few helpful questions to explore on my Staying Close through Big Feelings page, which features the children’s play Snuggles Stayed Close. You might also enjoy my interview with Cori Doerrfeld, whose book The Rabbit Listened sparked the idea for my play featuring Flame.
As winter holidays approach, I hope that you can show up with presence for yourself and create space for all of your feelings. And from this place of love and fullness, I hope you can lovingly show up for the children in your lives.
Wishing you presence and self-compassion,
Jamie Lynn