When gratitude and unhappiness collide
Hello Friends,
As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, I have been reflecting on gratitude. Gratitude is essential… and yet it can be complicated. Sometimes it almost feels wrong to be grateful in a world that has so much suffering.
Recently, I started a part time job teaching English to multilingual learners at an elementary school. I am grateful to have the job, but it’s not quite what I was hoping for. So I am simultaneously feeling unhappy and grateful. And truthfully, letting myself vent about the unhappy parts has felt deeply therapeutic. If I were to try to force myself to be only grateful, it would be unhealthy. I need to allow the slow arc of unhappiness to move through me, so it can eventually transform into acceptance and maybe even quiet joy.
This experience made me think of a blog that I wrote almost a decade ago. I’m sharing an excerpt from it here.
Toxic Gratitude
(The above poster was made by my daughter for the original 2016 blog.)
Recently, I have seen a few profiles on dating sites for men who are looking for a woman that is only positive—no negativity allowed. Are they joking? Are they looking for a human or a dog?
I have become weary the last few years of any program for joy, happiness or positivity that excludes negative emotions. Yes, negativity with no gratitude can be unhealthy, but it is not a life affirming action to banish grumbling, negativity and complaining and try to replace them with positive and happy emotions. It is like trying to create a day that has no night, or a baby that never cries. At its best it is unsustainable. And at its worst it is toxic. Gratitude that cannot hold the difficult emotions and moments of life is what I call toxic gratitude.
Toxic gratitude is like candy. It is sweet. It looks sweet to others, too. But too much of it will make us sick. We need Brussel sprouts and spinach and apples, too. No, leafy vegetables are not as aesthetically pleasing. They do not have shiny wrappers, and they are vulnerable to bugs and worms. But they are a healthy, vital part of being human. If we try to hide our dark thoughts and emotions behind shiny wrappers, we will end up damaged indeed.
In this hilarious clip, Selma Baraz shares a story about a practice that her son James taught her at age 90. Selma, a Jewish mother of three, was very adept at “kvetching” (complaining or chronic grumbling). She complained about just about everything all the time. The little “mantra” that her son James taught her was to add the phrase, “And my life is truly very blessed” to the end of each complaint. That is it. It is that simple. And it changed (or “ruined”) her life—it made her happy.
I have adopted this technique myself, and it is one of my favorites. It is especially fabulous one week out of every month when my brain turns into a litany of complaints. The worst thing I can do for my happiness when my brain has turned dark is to tell myself that I shouldn’t be feeling this way. The most life affirming thing I can do is to add, “and my life is truly very blessed” to each complaint. Not to negate the complaint—I can hold the space for a complaint. But I add the phrase to affirm the truth: my life is truly very blessed.
Almost a decade later, I have internalized this practice. When I feel unhappy (as I sometimes do), I remember that my life is full of blessings. Just as the sun is still there even when it’s behind a cloud, so too are the gifts in my life even when unhappiness obscures them.
As we approach this holiday of Thanksgiving, my wish for you is that you can embrace the whole of your experience. If you need to grumble or grieve, please open your heart to hold these emotions with compassion. And also sense life’s invitation to open to abundance, beauty and joy.
May you rest in the light of true gratitude,
Jamie Lynn
P.S. If you’re new to my newsletter, welcome. Most weeks I share playful, research-based practices for helping kids (and the grown-ups who love them) grow mindfulness and self-compassion. Today we explored the nuances of gratitude, and I’m glad you’re here.
P.P.S. Stay tuned next week for something more playful… you’ll have a chance to vote on the cover of Volume 2 of my workbook for kids. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.😊