When Your Child Seems Unmotivated

A reframe that can help parents support kids 

Hello friends,

The other day I heard myself telling my 13-year-old that she “lacked motivation” to do something productive over break. And actually, this conversation didn’t begin over break. Uh-oh, I thought to myself, This is not the voice I want my daughter to internalize.

I don’t want my 13-year-old to develop an inner narrative that she is lazy or unmotivated; I want her to have a positive inner voice. And when she is feeling unmotivated, I want her to be curious about how to help herself move forward rather than defining herself as an unmotivated person. And truthfully, she IS super motivated to play Minecraft, so it’s not that she lacks motivation to do anything…

Our conversation led to a playful exploration about the many types of motivation (we currently have discovered at least seven). Below you’ll see the beginning of our exploration.

Type A-1 Motivation: You want to do the right thing

Type A-1 motivation is when you are highly motivated to do things that are good for you (like eating healthy foods, exercising, working on goals, and meditating). I envy people that actually enjoy cooking healthy foods. I am not one of them. There are a few healthy habits (like my breathing practices) that I have done regularly enough that I happily engage in, but honestly, my daughters and I are not full of type A-1 motivation when it comes to making good choices. Luckily, feeling highly motivated to do the right thing is not the only type of motivation!

Type A-3 Motivation: You can creatively get yourself to engage in the healthy thing

Type A-3 motivation is where you can get yourself to do something good for yourself by doing a little mental or logistical gymnastics. (Yes, we skipped A-2, which is in between A-1 and A-3.) For example, I know that it’s good for me to lift weights during perimenopause, but I do NOT enjoy the thought of lifting weights. To compensate for my lack of A-1 motivation, I have built lifting weights into my weekly schedule. On certain days, I’m not allowed to come home from work until after I’ve stopped at the gym to lift. Often I sit in the gym parking lot for 15 minutes scrolling on my phone (do I really have to lift weights?). But the boundary is firm, so eventually I walk inside the gym and lift. And I actually kind of enjoy it once I get started.

As a parent, sharing with my kids about how I creatively get myself to engage in healthy behaviors when I don’t have strong internal motivation is very useful for my kids. 1) It helps them realize that adults struggle with motivation, too. And 2) It helps us get curious together about how to help ourselves do the right thing when our intrinsic motivation isn’t super strong yet.

Type W Motivation: You want to want to do it

The other day, the garbage in the kitchen and the bathroom was very full. I wanted to want to take the garbage out, but I just wasn’t ready yet. This is type W motivation: You want to want to do the task, but there is a resistance to taking action.

Sometimes, like in the case of the garbage, it just takes a little more time. If you wait patiently, the pain of not taking out the garbage will become greater than the resistance. This is a simple type of resistance.

If the resistance persists, and you get stuck in type W motivation for an extended period of time, you can either increase the desire to take action by focusing on the benefits of your goals, the consequences of inaction, or enlisting social support (more on what can help tip us into action coming soon), or you can get curious about what’s fueling your resistance.

In my next blog, I’ll share about what can complicate resistance as sometimes resistance is multi-layered. But for now, it’s important to know that wanting to want to do something is a very good place to be in. And also that DISCUSSING being in this place with your kids can help them to identify and get curious about the things that they want to want to do, too.

A supportive resource for you

If you’re reading this article, I’m guessing you want to help children grow self-compassion. Maybe you’re ready to take action. Or maybe you want to want to make self-compassion practice a regular habit, but you’re encountering a bit of resistance. Or maybe reading and reflecting on my weekly newsletter is just the right amount for now. All of those make sense.

If you’re ready (or almost ready) to take the next step in helping kids grow self-compassion, I’m offering my Raising Resilient Kids: Mini-Course for Managing Big Feelings as a free resource currently available. It’s designed to support kids (and caregivers) in noticing emotions, building resilience habits, and finding playful ways to move through big feelings together.