And How Self-Compassion Can Help!
Hello Friends!
In a recent podcast interview, I was asked an important question: What are signs that a child needs self-compassion?
A few common behaviors indicate that a child could really benefit from self-compassion, including:
- Unwillingness to try challenging tasks or trying half-heartedly (fear of trying and failing)
- Perfectionism or unrealistic self-standards (fear of being not good enough)
- Unwillingness to own mistakes or over apologizing (fear they won’t be loved if they fall short)
- Low distress tolerance (difficulties self-soothing)
- Being self-critical (sometimes overt, and sometimes inferred from the above)
Interestingly enough, these are all signposts of shame. Fear of failure is ultimately fear of judgment—whether from ourselves or from others, real or imagined.
Note: If your child is neurodiverse or in any way marginalized by society, they may be even more vulnerable to shame — and even more in need of self-compassion.
Self-Compassion is the Antidote to Shame
So if we don’t want to avoid shame or believe shame, just what do we do!? We learn to relate to shame effectively.
Learn to be with your own shame
Model for Kids How to be Skillful with Shame
Here’s an article that I wrote about how I modeled walking through shame in the presence of my daughter: https://jamielynntatera.com/2024/03/shame-kids-and-grown-ups/.
In the blog, I describe how I used Deer — the feelings habit animal for shame-proneness — to make my own shame experience relatable and accessible to my daughter.
Keep Learning and Growing
One of the most important things to remember is that shame avoidance will make your (child’s) world smaller. And self-compassion can help you and your child’s world get bigger. Equipped with the resource of self-compassion, there’s nothing that you can’t tackle! Self-compassion-related books, classes, and conversations will all help your child and you grow shame-resilience skills.
I’ve been working hard to ensure that my self-compassion classes for all ages are available in both live-online as well as self-paced formats. Listening to self-compassion related podcasts and guided meditations can help too!<
Keep returning to this simple truth: you and your child are lovable exactly as you are. Shame is ultimately a mirage, but it’s a tricky one that requires the lens of self-compassion to see through.
Wishing you light and love,
Jamie Lynn
P.S. If you’d like to go deeper, I’m offering a free Companion Masterclass this Wednesday on helping kids work with perfectionism, self-criticism, and shame. You’re welcome to join live or receive the recording. You can learn more here.