Hello Friends!
You may be familiar with the 4 S’s of attachment: Seen, Safe, Soothed and Secure. Well, I’d like to add a 5th S: Strong!
Ever since Kristin Neff published her book, Fierce Self-Compassion: How women can harness kindness to speak up, own their power, and thrive in 2021, I have been drawn to the concept of fierce self-compassion. It’s interesting to note how some families teach their kids to be strong, some teach their kids to be tender, and some teach their kids to be both (or neither). Growing up, I learned to be strong in some ways, but mostly I learned how to be tender and how to care for and nurture others. You might notice that the title of Kristin’s book addresses women. This is because most women have been socialized to prioritize community over agency; tenderness over strength. And many men have been socialized the opposite way. Unfortunately, in these sexist systems of socialization, everyone loses and everyone is less whole.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Men can embrace their tenderness, and women can embody their fierceness. We can all be both strong and gentle; we can all be whole.
Over the past several years, I have been on my own journey of growing fierce self-compassion. And because I thrive in community with others, I have brought others along with me on the journey. In 2022, I taught a Fierce Self-Compassion practice group based on Kristin Neff’s book. In 2023, I taught a Playing Big practice group based on Tara Mohr’s Playing Big book (Playing Big is another amazing read for women on the path to owning their strength). Now in 2024, I’ve completed the Fierce Self-Compassion Teacher Training through the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, and I’m finally ready to teach my first official Fierce Self-Compassion course! I am so PRATEFUL (proud and grateful)!!
So, what exactly is fierce self-compassion? According to Kristin Neff, fierce self-compassion includes the ability to protect, motivate, and provide for oneself with kindness. It complements tender self-compassion, and we all need both tender and fierce compassion to thrive. A fierce mama bear protecting her cubs is a good metaphor for fierce compassion. And fierce self-compassion is taking this mama bear energy, and turning it inward to protect and provide for yourself. Kristin created this wonderful diagram that illustrates the differences between fierce and tender self-compassion.
In future newsletters, I plan to highlight each of the three elements of fierce self-compassion (protecting, motivating, and providing). Today, I want to share how “providing” self-compassion has been both my biggest challenge as well as my area of recent growth.
Due to gender socialization, it’s still hard for me to focus on providing for myself. I have a little internal voice that says it’s “selfish” to provide for myself. But, I am developing another internal voice. This new voice says it’s my birthright and EVERYONE’S birthright to provide for themselves. I don’t provide for myself instead of others. Rather I provide for BOTH myself and others. And in fact, the more I provide for myself, the more I will be able to provide for others.
Here are two ways that practicing “providing” fierce self-compassion has manifested in my life:
- My husband(-like thing) and I made an offer on a house. No, we did not get the house, but believing that I CAN provide for myself made me courageous enough to make an offer with him.
- I am going on a silent retreat next week. This is a very big deal. I have not been on a silent retreat since I had my younger daughter almost 12 years ago. But fierce self-compassion is helping me believe that I am worthy of taking the time to care for myself.
It’s crazy how much internal pushback I experience as I strengthen my ability to motivate, protect and provide for myself with kindness. And it is empowering to see how my own example is being taken in by my two daughters. Both our modeling and our treatment of children shape how children treat themselves. Kids learn to be strong by us providing them with a balance of tender nurturing as well as confidence in their resilience and abilities. And children develop inner strength by watching their caregivers do the same (tenderly nurture ourselves and confidently move about the world).
I am so on fire about supporting others, including you, to own our inner strength. Here are three great ways to grow your tender and fierce self-compassion, and allow the goodness to ripple out:
- My first official Fierce Self-Compassion Course begins September 16th
- The foundational Mindful Self-Compassion Course begins September 18th (because tender self-compassion is an essential complement to fierce, MSC is a prerequisite)
- My next Parent-Child Mindfulness and Self-Compassion class begins on September 19th
Both the books I recommended and the classes I’ve shared can help to steady you on the path to fierce self-compassion.
Wishing you both tender nurturing and empowering strength,
Jamie Lynn