What is Self-Compassion for Children?

The answer to this question begins with the grown-ups in children’s lives. First and foremost, how do the adults in children’s lives treat them? And second, what are the adults in their life modeling?

When a child grows up with a caregiver who nurtures them when things go wrong and can lovingly help them to see the ways that they need to grow, this child is much more likely to develop an internal voice of self-compassion. When a child has a caregiver that understands them and is consistently on their team, children receive the foundation for attuning to and encouraging themselves.

Also important for kids is having a caregiver that models self-compassion. Kids observe and internalize the ways that their parents and caregivers treat themselves when they fall short. If their grown-up says, “Wow!  I fell short. This is really hard,” and then models being kind to themselves—models learning from their experience without beating themselves up—this child is likely to grow up knowing the voice of self-compassion.

So, receiving compassion—both tender and fierce—and having self-compassion modeled are two strong pathways to help kids develop a foundation of self-compassion. 

Children can also benefit from being explicitly taught how to give themselves compassion. How can we do this as caregivers? 

First, caregivers of children need to learn self-compassion! You can take an adult self-compassion training, read a self-compassion book, watch self-compassion videos, and do self-compassion practices and meditations. If you take an adult self-compassion training, you will learn strategies that you can share with your child to help them practice self-compassion (such as kind touch, kind words, or asking, “What would you say to your friend?”). You can then bring these ideas and practices into your daily interactions with your child.

You can also learn self-compassion along with your child. You and your child could take a parent-child self-compassion class together. The benefit of taking a class with your child is that your child will be able to learn about self-compassion from someone besides you (sometimes this can be really helpful). You can also watch self-compassion videos together, read books with self-compassionate characters, and make practicing self-compassion a joint activity.

In some locations, the Self-Compassion for Children and Caregivers program is taught in-person to groups of children-only. There are also schools that offer Self-Compassion for Kids Lessons as part of their curriculum. These are great options if they are available in your area, but they are not a replacement for you learning self-compassion too and helping your child to practice at home.

Once you (the “grown-up”) have a strong self-compassion practice, model self-compassion, and offer your child the elements of self-compassion through your compassionate presence, you can begin to invite your child to give compassion to themselves in those tender moments when they need it most.

Note: To view 100+ studies on the role of “family, parenting, and attachment” on the development of self-compassion visit Kristin Neff’s research page.

The benefits of self-compassion are too numerous to count! Kristin Neff—self-compassion researcher and co-creator of Mindful Self-Compassion training—has a section on her website dedicated to research with over 1000 publications relating to the benefits of self-compassion.

Self-compassion can help children and caregivers cope effectively with adversity and experience more satisfaction in their lives. Research on Jamie Lynn’s parent-child self-compassion training (currently in review) showed “significant” improvements in parents’ self-compassion levels, parenting stress, and mindful parenting as well as decreases in children’s depression. 

In my family, self-compassion is the gift that keeps on giving.  Self-compassion has helped my older daughter cope effectively with a learning disability and navigate the social challenges of middle school. Self-compassion has helped my younger daughter learn to acknowledge the voice of her inner critic (she has a strong one!), soothe herself when things go wrong, and learn to accept and encourage herself with kindness.  Self-compassion has helped me to cope with my parenting imperfections—it helps me do the continual dance between tender self-acceptance and fiercely encouraging myself to continue to learn and grow. 

Situations in which you and/or your child may find self-compassion helpful include: when you fall short, when you encounter challenges, when you are worried about someone you care about, when you want to encourage yourself to reach for daunting and important goals, when you are feeling anxious, depressed, ashamed, or dealing with other challenging emotions. The list goes on and on.

Controlled, randomized studies on Mindful Self-Compassion training participants have shown significant increases in self-compassion, compassion for others, mindfulness and life satisfaction as well as decreased depression, anxiety, and stress after Mindful Self-Compassion training. Participants who practiced more in their daily lives experienced more benefits. Read the full-text article.  

Sometimes hearing the stories of others can help more than reading a description of benefits. Click here to hear what adults, teens and children have to say about how self-compassion training has changed their lives.